BY ELIZABETH YUKO
EDITOR’S NOTE: The smooth velvet and sparkling glitter of a good holiday dress. The oh-so-perfect frosting on your coworker’s legendary Christmas cookies. The high note of that one manager who’s actually really good at karaoke. There’s a lot to love about holiday parties, but for many of us, the intensity of sights, sounds, and smells makes it difficult to join in the fun. Add to that the expectation of small talk and social niceties, and your holiday cheer can quickly turn into a gloom of masking and sensory overwhelm.
Does this all mean we should stay home — and miss out on Janice’s cookies again? Nope. We just need to come in prepared. Elizabeth Yuko shares strategies to help you manage your sensitivities, communicate your needs, and party authentically.
After psyching myself up, I walk into a room filled with Santa hats, elf ears, and ugly sweaters. Immediately, someone knocks into me, bumping my shoulder, then puts their hand on my arm to signal an apology. I know them; they ask me how I’ve been, and I panic. Should I tell them the truth — that this hasn’t been a great year — and risk coming across as Debbie Downer? Should I stick to a highlight reel of my professional accomplishments from the past few months? Will that make me seem full of myself?
Meanwhile, I can’t help but tuning in to 3 separate nearby conversations. A bead of cold sweat starts traveling down my back as I notice how stuffy it is in the room. The scent of artificial pine mixes with the smell of pizza. Distracted, I realize that I never actually answered that person’s question and told them how I’ve been.
Holiday parties can easily cause sensory overload — even for those without sensitivities.
But seeing how these supposedly jolly gatherings are virtually inescapable (unless you have a well-timed illness), it’s important to have coping mechanisms for making it through the event — including communication strategies for setting boundaries, managing your triggers, and advocating for your needs. And who knows — well-regulated, prepared, and authentic, you might even forget where you are and actually enjoy yourself.
Here’s what you need to know to make it through even the most aggressively festive of parties as your authentic self: no masking required.
Why Holiday Parties Are A Full-Fledged Assault
Try holding a conversation in a stuffy, overcrowded room, with the same 10 Christmas songs blaring in the background and competing with overlapping conversations, while dealing with an onslaught of odors — ranging from someone’s overpowering cologne to a table of room-temperature appetizers — unexpected touch, and social performance expectations. It’s not easy.
Holiday parties are a sensory onslaught. For those of us with sensory sensitivities, these gatherings can be difficult because our nervous systems are “genuinely overwhelmed by sensory input that neurotypical people filter out automatically,” according to Brooke Brandeberry, a therapist who works with highly sensitive people.
On top of that, add in rejection sensitivity — the intense emotional reaction to either real or perceived rejection. In social situations, it makes us second-guess every word that comes out of people’s mouths and overanalyze every response and facial expression. Our brains assume the worst. We “often become hypervigilant in social settings, scanning for disapproval or rejection cues,” Brandeberry says. Our nervous systems “get flooded way before others even notice discomfort.” For people like me with various sensitivities, this often has meant masking to appear merry instead of miserable.
Rejection sensitivity often stems from years of masking and feeling misunderstood, says Erika Frieze, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and the owner of Bridges of the Mind Psychological Services, which specializes in working with neurodivergent adults. And it can get worse in social settings, like holiday parties.
“What many people don’t realize is that sensory sensitivities compound rejection sensitivity,” she explains. “When someone is already overwhelmed by fluorescent lights or crowd noise, their capacity to process social cues accurately diminishes, leading to misinterpretation of neutral interactions as rejection.”
While sensory and rejection sensitivities won’t disappear overnight, it can help to change how you perceive them. “The breakthrough happens when [we] stop viewing [our] sensitivities as deficits and start seeing them as valuable information about their emotional and sensory environment,” says Utkala Maringanti, a licensed marriage and family therapist associate who works with neurodivergent clients. The idea is to understand neurodivergent traits rather than mask them, she notes.
How To Navigate Holiday Parties
This year, rather than skipping holiday social engagements or suffering through, try these strategies instead. After all, you don’t want to miss your boss’s tipsy karaoke rendition of “The Little Drummer Boy,” or your friend’s famous artichoke dip that she only makes once a year.
Do Your Homework
Don’t go to a party without intel. For gatherings at someone’s house, Frieze recommends asking the host specific questions before the event, like, “Will there be background music? How many people? Can I step outside if needed?” Going in knowing what to expect can help reduce your anticipatory anxiety.
Create A Dossier
Before the event, at a time when you’re feeling up to it, create 4 lists — your known triggers, signs of dysregulation, calming strategies, and how others can help — and share them with a trusted friend who will be attending the gathering, says Ryann Sutera, a licensed speech-language pathologist who specializes in neurodiversity-affirming communication strategies. This way, they’ll recognize the look of sheer panic in your eyes when your coworker starts talking about her single nephew she thinks you’ll hit it off with, and whisk you away to the bathroom for a people break.
Speak Up
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, that’s okay. Rather than trying to avoid it, know it’s coming and be prepared. Come to the social gathering armed with a few phrases you can use to advocate for yourself and manage your needs, like:
- “Would you please excuse me? The noise is getting to be a bit much.”
- “I’m a bit overwhelmed right now. I am going to step outside briefly to take a breather.”
- “It’s been great to see you, but I’m afraid I have to leave.”
According to Sutera, honoring your limits takes practiced self-advocacy, which some people need support to develop. “Preventative care and predictability make the biggest difference,” she says.
Pay Attention To Your Body’s Distress Signals
Our body often picks up on how we’re feeling before our brain does. That’s why Brandeberry suggests learning how to identify what she calls “yellow flags,” or early warning signs that you’re triggered — like tightly clenching your jaw or ripping off the skin around your fingernails. That way you can take breaks before complete overwhelm sets in. “Simple things like stepping outside for 2 minutes or finding a quiet bathroom can reset your system,” she says.
Get Ahead Of The Hug
Instead of accepting hugs that make you feel uncomfortable, Sandy Bean, an educator and coach working with neurodivergent adults, recommends saying something like “I’m not much of a hugger, but I’m really glad to see you!” You’re still greeting the person with enthusiasm, but without having to touch them.
Become Fluent In Social Navigation As A “Second Language”
Nope, this doesn’t mean masking, Bean says, but rather, tweaking our behavior to ensure our needs are being met. For instance, those of us with sensitivity to sound may position ourselves away from loud speakers, or arrive early when an event is less crowded, rather than avoiding it entirely. “[We’re] still honoring sensory needs, but using tools to manage their comfort and bandwidth,” Bean says. “[We’re] not forcing [ourselves] to endure overwhelming input until [we] crash — which would be masking. Instead, [we’re] finding ways to participate meaningfully while managing [our] nervous system proactively.”
Invite Your Authentic Self To The Party
Let’s face it, you’re a badass, as bright and shiny as that holiday tinsel — and you don’t need to hide that. In fact, people should be lining up to get a chance to spend time with you (not that you’d want that). When it comes to social situations, “the game-changer is releasing the belief that you need to perform or prove you belong,” Brandeberry says. “Your sensitivity isn’t a flaw to overcome. It’s information your body is giving you about what you need.”
When you drop the mask and don some elf ears, a wild thing happens: you make authentic connections with other people like you. Maybe you’re not out on the dance floor; maybe you’re huddled in a quiet corner with a couple people, in a deep conversation about the history of tuberculosis. You may actually start enjoying yourself.
And when the chatter, eggnog, and Mariah Carey get to be too much, you can step outside to take some deep breaths and regulate.
You may even find another sensitive soul in an ugly Christmas sweater doing the same.
BIO: Elizabeth Yuko, PhD, is a bioethicist and journalist. Her work has appeared in outlets including The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, Rolling Stone, Architectural Digest, Bloomberg CityLab and CNN, among others.
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