BY SARA ROWE MOUNT
My grandfather’s extensive to-do lists for closing up the family vacation home. My uncle’s struggle to part with any of his belongings or connect with other people. My daughter’s sensitivity to loud, jarring noises and strong smells.
Now that I can recognize my own neurodivergence, I see similar traits in several generations of my family, traits that were accepted as odd habits that made someone particular or quirky. The stigma and silence that dominated previous generations’ perception of cognitive difference now affect how they interact with family members with neurodivergent traits — and whether they are able to recognize neurodivergence in themselves. With increased information and acceptance, and as the first person in my family with an official diagnosis, the burden of educating my family about neurodivergence — and maintaining boundaries — has fallen to me.
It is well-documented that neurodivergence runs in families. Studies have found autism and ADHD to have heritability rates of 50% and 74%, respectively; dyslexia and Tourette syndrome show similar rates.
For me, there is no more conclusive proof of the inherited nature of neurodivergent traits — and the intergenerational differences in how family members view and treat those traits — than my daughter’s stimming, which began in infancy. It felt very familiar to me, but I didn’t realize why until my mother reminded me that my sister had done the same as a child. For several years, this was actually an assurance that there was “nothing wrong with her” as teachers and family members kept insisting. Many of these voices belonged to generations that had internalized messages that cognitive differences were equated with brokenness.
These messages are changing. Gen Z and Gen Alpha, my daughter’s generation, have emerged into a world with more acceptance and knowledge about neurodivergence (the term itself first appeared in a 1998 publication). With the rise of social media, there is less stigma and more opportunities for connection with other individuals who experience the world differently.
In many cases, these younger neurodivergent individuals are the impetus for older generations to seek out a diagnosis or more understanding. After recognizing traits in my daughter, my sister chose to pursue her own diagnosis. Identifying my traits has helped me better understand how I interact with the world around me. It has offered a way to understand and process the past, such as why my executive functioning and motor coordination differences made it take years for me to learn how to drive — something that further solidified my outsider status among my peers. Understanding my traits has also helped me recognize instances where I can utilize coping strategies to make participating in experiences I want to join, such as traveling, more manageable.
Identifying my traits has helped me better understand how I interact with the world around me.
Meanwhile, the baby boomers in my own life have been slow to recognize the existence of neurodivergence, much less accept it. “Neurodivergence wasn’t a well-known concept until more recently, so those same traits were often misunderstood as laziness, stubbornness, etc.,” says Julie Landry, psychologist and cofounder of NeuroSpark Health. “Many adults over 50 don’t realize neurodivergence is even a possibility for them.”
A 2023 survey on neurodiversity in the workplace conducted by Savills found that only 14.3% of Baby Boomer survey respondents were either medically or self-diagnosed as neurodivergent. In contrast, 38.7% of Gen X, 62% of Millennials and 59% of Gen Z respondents identified as neurodivergent.
While my mother now acknowledges the presence of certain traits in herself, she seems to be content with her coping strategies, from posting lists and reminder notes in their apartment to avoiding situations that might result in discomfort. My father is a boomer stereotype, frustratingly inflexible and often unwilling to make accommodations for his family members’ traits. He has known about my daughter’s noise sensitivities for years now, yet still grumbles every time we remind him not to vacuum when she is over.
This dynamic led licensed marriage and family counselor Laurie Budlong-Morse, who works with neurodivergent individuals and couples, to coin the term “pivot generation.” It describes individuals like myself who are the first in their families to have awareness of neurodiversity, as well as identify neurodivergent traits in themselves and other generations. “They are carrying the load of developing new, neurodiversity-affirming templates for living, parenting, and being family for their whole family system,” she says.
- Pivot Generation: Individuals who are the first in their families to have awareness of neurodiversity, as well as identify neurodivergent traits in themselves and other generations.
This responsibility has felt like a burden at times, as I’ve had to navigate setting boundaries, but it has also had its moments of joy. While we have disclosed my daughter’s diagnoses to my closest family members, most of our conversations have revolved around brain differences and traits. Landry agrees that this is a good approach to take. “I think it’s… helpful to talk about specific traits or experiences (e.g., sensory sensitivities, difficulties with time management),” she says, “which invites empathy and curiosity rather than defensiveness.”
I’ve still encountered defensiveness in my interactions with relatives. It has been especially painful not to have my father’s acceptance of my and my daughter’s neurodivergence. Budlong-Morse reminded me that, “Having neurodivergence seen and embraced is a profound need, and to have an older relative that can’t give that to you is a tremendous loss. “I’ve had to grieve that loss, but I have recognized that I don’t need his (or anyone else’s) validation to accept myself.
Despite these challenges, I have other family members who acknowledge and accept the presence of neurodivergence, which has allowed us to build more connection. A recent family vacation with my and my sibling’s families was planned to accommodate the neurodivergent individuals’ needs. I booked an inn with a private room for each sibling, with a kitchen and dining room in our space for everyone to be able to prepare food as needed. It was quieter than a hotel, with plenty of space for everyone, and had a swing, one of my daughter’s favorite ways to regulate, in the front yard. As a result, during the trip everyone was able to feel more regulated and free to be themselves — quirks and all.
BIO: Sara Rowe Mount is a writer specializing in mental health, neurodivergence, and parenting. Her work has appeared in outlets including Business Insider, Scary Mommy, and HuffPost, as well as magazines and books for children and teenagers.
