If you are Neurodivergent like us, then ghosting isn’t a rare occurrence, but something we do on the regular.
When I was in college, I loved going to parties and hanging out with friends. Or maybe it was that I loved the idea of it. My freshman year I moved into the dorm at Cal: a double suite, which meant 4 bedrooms of 2 girls each and a shared bathroom. This set up was perfect, since I could join in with the group or retreat to the quiet solitude of my room. Going out together was a given. Thursday nights especially. We would all pile into our shared bathroom and then depart for the latest festivity.
When we arrived, it was already crowded (we were, of course, never the first to get there), and the music and drinks were flowing. I was always thrilled by the novelty of the scene: the latest party theme, the songs I loved and danced to, the people. But slowly it would all become too much. The loud music was great for my favorite song, but not the ones I didn’t like. I felt overwhelmed by being bumped and nudged trying to navigate the room. The small talk required over the loud music (I would stand back and quietly observe), the smell of spilled beer. My initial enthusiasm would last about the first 30 minutes, followed by another 30 of tolerating the sensory overload. Then I would need to exit.
I became known for the Irish exit. Back in college, I had no clue I was neurodivergent, so I attributed my creative departures to a personality quirk. Since I didn’t want to be a downer, and my roommates were strewn about, my thought was, I won’t be missed. So I would excuse myself from whatever conversation I was listening in on and head to the restroom. It was here I could find a bit of quiet and a great window. Most windows in Berkeley at the time didn’t have screens and were large due to the architecture of that time. They were also usually open. My first exit was to crawl through that window and head home. It was an immediate escape without having to explain myself. And it usually worked.
Toward the end of the year, my roommates began to see the pattern and my cleverness faded. I would excuse myself to the restroom, then they would ask if I was headed home. I would answer yes, then start using the front door. The great thing about my roommates then, was that they never asked for an explanation or passed judgement, they just accepted me that way.
Ghost Mode: Retreating from social interaction; avoiding social gatherings, not responding to text messages, and falling a bit off the grid, for example.
As I moved into the adult world, my exits became more like ghosting. When I was in ghost mode — avoiding social gatherings, not responding to text messages right away, and falling a bit off the grid — I would step back from the social interactions and community I longed to be a part of.
Creating meaningful connections is so important for many reasons: Friendships expand our experiences, our network helps us along our career, and as parents, connections can help build a community and friends for our children. But when you are neurodivergent, how we socialize looks a bit different.
Knowing we need to go ghost mode sometimes, how do we set it up without losing the momentum with those relationships?
Plan For It and Expect It
When ghost mode hits, it can be overwhelming in that moment. You might receive text messages and phone calls that you don’t want to take at that moment, but rather than feeling guilty, give yourself some space and some grace. We are typically in ghost mode for a reason — whether it is recovering from burnout, re-energizing from a busy time, or even just needing some time to yourself. Whatever the reason, take a moment to validate what you need, and take it.
Name It
I like to call it “ghost mode.” Others like “on retreat,” “on hiatus,” “out of pocket,” or “out of range.” You can set up an auto reply to let others know it may take a bit to get back to them. That way you don’t need to explain yourself and you establish an understanding.
Show Up Genuinely
Being honest about why you needed the time away can feel vulnerable. But that vulnerability is what can bring you closer to the right people and deepen friendships. So don’t fake it. Maybe you prefer to go to parties or functions with a friend or partner who loves to socialize with others, so you can stay by their side and enjoy everyone’s company without having to chat as much. Or if you don’t like small talk, skip it. Just ask someone a genuine question you’re actually interested in knowing. With larger groups, don’t be afraid of the Irish exit since it’s tried and true. 😉
Find Your People
A long-term strategy is to find people who get you for you. Find the people who still like to hang out even after a ghost mode moment. Perhaps they have the same rhythm so they too understand the need to retreat. Those are the ones to stick around. Maybe you even find a community around shared interests like music or reading, or spend time with people who also enjoy skipping the small talk, having deep conversations, and connecting that way.
Give Others Support And Acceptance Too
Be a leader in your community and support others who may feel pressure to always show up, even if they are going through a hard time. Say it out loud and defend those who may be in a vulnerable moment. If a friend comes out of ghost mode, give them the TLDR to catch them up on what’s going on. Check in on them without the pressure of them having to reply immediately. Communicate an understanding that if either of you need some space or to cancel plans, it’s not personal. The more authentic you show up yourself and the more grace you give others, the more comfortable they’ll feel to be themselves too.
